Getting The COVID Vaccine Made Me Feel Like I’m Contaminated

Not getting it would have made me feel like I’m a selfish elitist

Photo by Diana Polekhina on Unsplash

What do you do when you have no clue what to believe — and, you can’t see any way of deciding how to choose what to believe in?

What do you do when, presented with two options, you have no idea which one will keep you safe?

I know that people who read this on either side of the barricade will say: “But how can you not know? There’s evidence that getting vaxxed is your moral duty/the silliest thing you’ll ever do.” Then, those people will show me their evidence that I don’t know what to do with anyway.

Do you know what’s my real dilemma? I think both sides could be right. I can’t decide which story sounds truer. On top of that, there seem to be so few people who understand my ambiguity. Everyone seems so sure about what to do, whether or not to take the vaccine, or whether or not COVID is one huge conspiracy.

How the fuck can you be so sure, I ask?

I’ve had my first dose of the vaccine. The reason? Honestly? I wanted to be able to go and see my family. The majority of people I know don’t seem to be as scared of the vaccine as I am. So yes, I acted like a sheep. I based my decision on what those closest to me did and believe because I had no better way of deciding.

But when I was in the vaccine center getting the jab, all the conspiracy theorists spoke in my head at once. I heard them ridiculing me for agreeing to be a guinea pig in the cruel experiment of some Reptilians. I tried to quiet those voices. I thought about hugging my parents when I see them and how much safer they’ll feel knowing I’ve had my jab.

Or maybe, they won’t just feel safer. Maybe, they’ll actually be safer, you know? I like to think that this possibility outweighs the very minor risk of me getting an accidental blood clot as a healthy 30-year old.

But then I speak to my friends on the other side of the barricade, and the fear creeps in again. I’m in a whole new reality. What if I just made the biggest mistake of my life? What if the COVID vaccine is a not-so-subtle way to control the population?