thank you for sharing with me so vulnerably and asking for advice. I just wrote a long response to you and deleted it by accident, so now I'll be more concise...
I cannot really give advice and as I'm no mental health professional, but what I'm hearing is that your struggle is, at it's core, emotional. As you say, wherever you will go, it will likely manifest, in one way or another.
A book that has helped me immensely with integrating emotions rather than running away from them is The Presence Process by Michael Brown. It offers a practical 10-week process to integrate charged emotions (like what you describe) and come back to the present moment.
Another thing that I can offer is for you to join a meditation group I'm starting on Zoom from the first of July. It's free, you would just need to be on my email list because this is how I'll be sending links to the meetings. I don't know if that's exactly what you're looking for, but I'll try to offer space for practising self-awareness and compassion so that you can just be with yourself exactly as you are, without condition.
If this is something you may be interested in, you can sign up on my blog here: (a pop up window will appear, otherwise go to the About page and scroll to the bottom)
I hope this helps at least a little bit. In any case, remember that you're not alone. As Pema Chondron says, any state and any place we find ourselves in is workable. I'm sure yours is, too.
Feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org . All the best and stay strong but also gentle towards yourself <3