How To Tell Love From a Projection

Are you looking for love in the wrong places?

Photo by Avonne Stalling from Pexels

Have you ever felt someone was perfect for you and then… you added a “but”? Have you wished that this person changed just this one thing about themselves — that way, you could live together happily ever after?

Or maybe, after kissing someone on a first date, you promptly started fantasizing about a future together, framing them into your plans without questioning whether that’s what they want?

I’ve certainly experienced all these with different people, in various combinations. When it happened, I usually believed I was deeply in love. So much in love that I wanted them, myself and our relationship to be perfect.

That’s how I justified my premature fantasies about our shared future and the desire for the person of my dreams to change for me. How ironic.

In recent years, I understood that wanting to own someone isn’t love. Usually, it’s projecting an image of who you’d want them to be. An extension of this is imposing your idea of the future you desperately want on them.

Projecting can be dangerous for a few reasons. But let’s start with the most basic one:

When you’re projecting, you stop seeing the person in front of you for who they are. You perceive them through the prism of your own unmet needs.

Where’s space for love in that?

What Is a Projection?

For most of my life, I’ve been unconscious about my romantic encounters. All I knew was that I “felt something.” Usually, that was enough of a cue to dive head-first into a romance, relationship or at least a one-night stand.

It’s only in the past few years that I started asking myself a basic question: What drives me to engage with this person?

Of course, the first answer that often comes up is: love. I surely feel attracted to them because I’m in love. They will be the one. This time it’ll be different.

And then… it isn’t.

Why? Usually, it’s because I project an image of a “perfect partner” onto the person in front of me. When that happens, I strip them off their unique qualities. I merely see them…