I love the world — but I disagree with such a big part of what it’s doing.
That’s possible, right? We know it is as soon as we look at our relationships with our parents, partners and children. We love them. But what they do often seems ridiculous.
I rebel against myself, too. Why am I pushing myself to do anything at all, while I am gradually discovering how predetermined the reality may be? But is it?
I am rebelling against my own writing, for I have reshaped it into a job. Nobody wants a job. Everybody wants passion. And I am no different.
We also want a multitude of other things, including beautiful bodies, clean planet, peaceful society and a bright future. Then why are we not doing everything in our powers to achieve that? Why, in spite of all the available knowledge and even the so-called common sense, do we keep buying plastic bags and paper cups, for example?
Maybe because, indeed, most of us believe, on a very deep level, that much of what happens in the world is predetermined anyway.
But there is a chance that it isn’t — and if you think about it intensely for a minute, you will agree. There is a chance — let’s not go into how big — that what we’re doing on an individual level matters a great deal. If not for the entire Universe, then maybe at least for ourselves and our future communities. And if we see there is a chance, why would we not take that chance?
I still don’t understand why there is a disposable paper cup with coffee next to me as I am writing these words. Of all the people in my social circle, I should be the one leading change. Simply because I see the possibility.
Being open to possibility is my responsibility. That’s how I see it.
Yet, once more, I got myself a coffee in a paper cup just for the sake of a quick shot of caffeine — as well as a shot of immediate mind pleasure. Once again, I hid away from a conversation in which I did have a chance to change someone’s mind according to what I feel is more beneficial to all of us.
Is this arrogance to write this? The fact that I want to change the world according to my liking? You could call it that. But I think that we all have an idea of how we think the world should be. It’s just that some people verbalize those ideas and fight for them. They believe themselves enough to take charge. They want to drive their reality into the direction they find is the only right one.
I like to see myself as such a person, but that’s not always true. Today, however, I feel like I’m one girl on a mission. Even if that mission is very much in my own head, that’s already something. I know I am rebelling, internally. That’s the teenage part of myself that I somehow managed not to kill over the years. She’s speaking. She’s contesting. Thank God.
She decided to wear shorts today to uni and expose my hairy legs to everybody in the class. She decided to lift my head up on the subway when the more “adult” version of me felt smashed and wanted to hide. She said that even if I already did take coffee in a disposable cup, I can at least spare a plastic lid.
And I did. I listened to her. She was right.
She knows that no matter how many things we, I, you and her have done wrong, there is always one thing that we can do right afterwards. There is always a part of the reality left that we can contest and call for a change. It doesn’t matter how many times we have fallen in the past, as long as there is still willingness in us to get up and come to the light again.
Paradoxically, her teenage mind has found a way to slide through the gaps in between the dualities of this world. Even if it seems that it’s all black or white, she knows how to mix the extremes and find the grey area where she can do the work. She refuses to see definite endings and looks for the endless possibilities instead.
She is the kind of rebel I admire.
As long as she is with me, I know that I can be a fighter in the world I love. I can be the chameleon when needed, while also establishing sacred and non-negotiable boundaries that the world may not understand — but will respect nevertheless. I can remain a spiritual being in a world of physics. I can be full of contradictions. And I can forgive myself for everything.
I intend to care for this teenage self of mine for as long as I have enough breath and will to do so. I know I need her. With her, I can rebel — but at the same time, remain harmonious with the reality on its deepest of levels.